“You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can’t remember what it was like before.”
“I wish I could find words to explain what this kind of cold is like – the cold that has somehow gotten in underneath your skin and is getting colder and colder inside you. It isn’t an outside sort of cold; it’s a cold that gets into your bones and into your blood and it feels like your heart itself is beating out the cold in hard bursts through your entire body, and you suddenly remember that you have a body because you can’t ignore it anymore. You feel like an ice cube. You feel like you’re naked and have fallen through thin ice on a lake and are drowning in the ice water underneath. You can’t breathe.”
“A lady will eat like a bird. A lady will look like a bird, fragile boned and powerful when in flight, lifting weightless into the air.”
“I have two choices: live in constant fear that the next episode is just around the corner, waiting to attack; or live as if by doing the right things to keep myself well, the episodes will never come again.”
“He leaned down and whispered to me: “No matter how thin you get, no matter how short you cut your hair, it’s still going to be you underneath…. I didn’t want it to be me underneath. I wanted to kill the me underneath.”
“Eating disorders are addictions. You become addicted to a number of their effects. The two most basic and important: the pure adrenaline that kicks in when you’re starving—you’re high as a kite, sleepless, full of a frenetic, unstable energy—and the heightened intensity of experience that eating disorders initially induce. At first, everything tastes and smells intense, tactile experience is intense, your own drive and energy themselves are intense and focused. Your sense of power is very, very intense. You are not aware, however, that you are quickly becoming addicted.”
“When you eventually begin to get well, health will feel wrong, it will make you dizzy, it will confuse you, you will get sick again because sick is what you know.”
“I didn’t particularly want to live much longer than that. Life seemed rather daunting. It seems so to me even now. Life seemed like too long a time to have to stick around, a huge span of years through which one would be required to tap-dance and smile and be Great! and be Happy! and be Amazing! and be Precocious!”
“I had plenty of friends, tight friends whom I loved very much and eventually lost. Nothing was so bad, I kept telling myself. Nothing that losing weight couldn’t cure. I became less afraid, and there’s the rub. One really ought to be afraid of self-torture. But it tempted me. It begged.”
“I had a secret. It was a guilty secret, certainly. But it was my secret. I had something to hold on to. It kept me calm.”
“…a different kind of hunger: a hunger for the hunger itself, a hunger for the life-taking powers that hunger has.”
“My double image, the evil skinny chick who hisses, ‘Don’t eat. I am not going to let you eat. I’ll let you go as soon as you’re thin, I swear I will. Everything will be okay when you’re thin.’ Liar. She never let me go. And I’ve never quite been able to wriggle my way free.”
“You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad.”
Hoy empiezo clases, he tenido sólo 5 días de vacaciones.
No he podido evitar quotear a Marya (lo siento si a alguien le incomoda), a veces me encuentro en el inicio del libro, a veces en la época conflictiva, otras en el final, otras no me encuentro porque ya no sé quién (o cómo dirían los psicólogos cómo) soy.
Asisto cada semana a terapia, no por temas alimenticios con mi apariencia física y mi evitar totalmente el tema jamás lo trataré, porque de hecho no tengo ningún problema (negación?) me agrada MV (mi psicóloga), me hace pensar cosas en perspectiva y de vez en cuando la desespero por mis esquemas tan absolutos.
Resulta que tengo una personalidad algo bastante extrema, que soy evitativa, agresivo/pasiva, autodestructiva y otra que era de ése tipo de cosas no lindas que uno no espera oír de si mismo, todas con el mismo puntaje en el test de Meyer... ah, y que además tengo distimia y depresión... cómo es? la " grave" no me acuerdo... tampoco me importa mucho, yo no me siento así, digo qué estar deprimida? si me siento así hace mucho tiempo ya que parece que nací así (aunque leer mis viejos diarios revela que no, se mueren de la risa si les ense;o mi viejo diario, EN SERIO ) no sé, sencillamente me siento así siempre, pero soy muy buena no mostrándoselo al resto.
Éstas cosas las guardo desde Diciembre y no se las he contado a nadie, a nadie nadie nadie... me alegra tenerlas para poder contarles, aunque no sean cositas bonitas.
Lo siento si no actualizo, quisiera hacerlo cada día, pero no sé qué decir, pero sí las leo y comento, recuerden que son importantes para mi L)